The Problem with Modern Love
Audio Brief
Show transcript
This episode presents a philosophical analysis of modern love, arguing that contemporary romance is in a "dark age" where the conventional approach is fundamentally broken.
There are four key takeaways from this discussion. First, treat love as a skill to be actively developed, rather than a passive feeling that should always be easy. Second, actively resist the urge to idealize new partners and instead approach relationships with an awareness of real, flawed human beings. Third, reframe relationship conflicts and imperfections as normal occurrences to be navigated together, not as signs of catastrophic failure. Finally, combat the paralysis of infinite choice by consciously choosing to commit to one person.
Modern love is argued to be in a dark age, a state of crisis where the conventional approach is fundamentally broken. This understanding redefines love as a difficult, lifelong skill, rather than an effortless feeling.
The myth of effortless compatibility, often reinforced by cultural narratives, creates unrealistic expectations. It leads to any conflict being seen as a catastrophic failure, rather than a normal challenge to navigate jointly.
The discussion examines the terrifying, irrational power of romantic passion. It notes how infatuation can lead to obsession and self-destruction, moving beyond simple affection.
This power fuels initial idealization, where individuals project perfect images onto new partners, filling unknowns with fantasy. This "gap-filling exercise" inevitably leads to disillusionment when minor flaws shatter the idealized vision.
Modern dating often falls into romantic nihilism, a cycle of idealization and disillusionment. This perspective suggests love is a complex desire for harmony among conflicting qualities, requiring active management. Reframing conflicts as normal, navigable challenges prevents minor issues from derailing relationships.
Dating apps amplify Kierkegaard's "despair of possibility," creating an illusion of infinite choice. This leads to a paralysis of commitment, making it difficult to invest in one person rather than endlessly searching for an elusive 'perfect' alternative.
The episode also debunks the unhelpful mantra that one must 'love yourself' before being loved. It argues that we often learn we are lovable by allowing ourselves to be loved by another, building self-worth within a relationship.
Ultimately, the discussion urges a re-evaluation of love as a demanding but rewarding skill, fostering real connections.
Episode Overview
- The episode explores the widespread modern belief that romantic love is "broken," framing this dissatisfaction as a deep philosophical problem rather than a mere social trend.
- It deconstructs the cultural myth of effortless compatibility, analyzing how idealized expectations lead to phenomena like "the ick" and intense disillusionment when reality sets in.
- The discussion critiques the paradox of choice in modern dating, where the illusion of endless options (e.g., on dating apps) fosters a "despair of possibility" and an inability to commit.
- The podcast challenges common self-help advice, particularly the idea that one must "love yourself" before finding a partner, arguing instead that self-concept is often developed through relationships.
- Ultimately, the speaker concludes that love should not be seen as a perfect state to be found, but rather as a difficult, lifelong skill that requires conscious effort, practice, and the acceptance of imperfection.
Key Concepts
- The "Dark Age" of Love: The prevailing cultural sentiment that modern romance is in a state of crisis, a point of near-universal agreement across social and political divides.
- The Philosophy of Love: The argument that issues in modern dating are not just social problems but stem from flawed philosophical assumptions about what love is and how it should function.
- The Terrifying Power of Eros: An exploration of the early, passionate stage of love as an irrational, obsessive, and all-consuming force that operates "beyond good and evil."
- Idealization vs. Reality (The "Ick"): In early dating, we project an idealized fantasy onto a partner. The "ick" is the painful moment this illusion shatters upon discovering their real-world flaws.
- The Myth of Effortless Compatibility: The culturally ingrained belief, often from fairytales, that "true love" is natural and free of conflict, which sets unrealistic and damaging expectations for real relationships.
- Romantic Nihilism: A form of modern cynicism that emerges when idealized romantic expectations are not met, leading to a rejection of love altogether.
- The Paradox of Choice: Drawing on Kierkegaard, this concept describes how the overwhelming number of options in modern dating leads to paralysis and an inability to commit, fostering a "despair of possibility."
- Love as a Skill: The central argument that love is not a passive state to be found, but an active, difficult skill that must be learned, practiced, and developed over a lifetime.
Quotes
- At 0:27 - "'The way we approach love today is fundamentally broken.'" - This is presented as a universally held belief, uniting people across different ideologies.
- At 2:33 - "'...when it comes to love, we are all a little bit mad.'" - Acknowledging the inherent irrationality of falling in love as a common, shared experience before diving into specific issues.
- At 8:31 - "'a huge number of the issues people have with modern dating come back to the idea that men or women or both have expectations that are far too high.'" - Introducing the central problem of the next section, which is the burden of unrealistic expectations in romance.
- At 24:25 - "Today this is often called by the monosyllabic moniker 'ick'." - The speaker defines the modern term for the moment of revulsion when the idealized image of a partner is broken by a perceived flaw.
- At 25:53 - "...each minor issue is not just something to deal with as a pair, but instead a symbol of your ultimate failure to live up to the romantic ideal." - This highlights the intense anxiety and high stakes created by the unrealistic expectation of perfect compatibility.
- At 28:31 - "[her existence felt] like sitting under a fig tree... and watched as they eventually fell down to the ground dead and rotten." - The speaker uses Sylvia Plath's fig tree analogy to illustrate how the overwhelming number of choices in modern life can lead to paralysis and inaction.
- At 31:40 - "'if you can't love yourself, how can you expect others to love you?'" - The speaker introduces this common piece of advice as a flawed premise, arguing that self-love is often developed through the love received from others, not in isolation.
- At 34:16 - "...we often want a connection where various contradictory properties are kept in perfect tension." - This quote captures the central paradox of human desire in relationships, where we want both security and risk, familiarity and mystery, simultaneously.
- At 38:12 - "this is a cruel kind of optimism. Rather than recognizing that we are all partly at the mercy of causal chains that existed long before us... we reserve every inch of fault for the person's suffering." - The speaker critiques the modern individualistic philosophy that blames individuals entirely for their romantic failures.
Takeaways
- Treat love as a skill to be actively developed through conscious effort and practice, rather than as a perfect, effortless state that you passively find.
- Intentionally separate the initial idealized fantasy of a person from their real, flawed humanity to build a connection based on reality, not projection.
- Counteract the paralysis of infinite choice by making a deliberate commitment, understanding that the goal is not to find a "perfect" match but to build a relationship through shared effort.
- Reframe relationship conflicts and difficulties not as signs of failure or incompatibility, but as necessary challenges that provide opportunities for growth.
- Question the prerequisite of perfect self-love; be open to the idea that self-concept and healing can develop through the process of loving and being loved by another person.
