Stephan Speaks: Why You Keep Choosing the Wrong Person, and How to Stop

Richard Taite • Aug 25, 2026

Audio Brief

Show transcript

What if the popular belief that you are never fully healed is the exact reason you keep choosing the wrong partner? Certified relationship coach Stephan Labossiere, known as Stephan Speaks, says unhealed trauma is like looking at life through broken glasses. On his show, host Richard Taite interviews Stephan about why people repeatedly pick the wrong partners. Why believing you can fully heal stops you from excusing bad behavior. Stephan argues you can fully heal, and believing otherwise causes people to consciously or subconsciously give free passes to unhealed partners and miss red flags. How accepting your true wiring saves you from waking up next to a stranger. Hedging that he does not know if it is the single biggest lesson, Stephan identifies a lack of self acceptance as one of the biggest lessons in relationships. Due to pressure from society, family, or friends, people suppress their true wiring to pick a partner, only for their true self to emerge later and dislike the person they chose. This lack of healing also changes how we guard our hearts, which reveals the trap of dating just to avoid heartbreak. For example, someone might choose a partner who is less attractive or whom they only mildly like just to avoid the pain of heartbreak. Why true love is never one sided. While Taite notes he has never been in a relationship where one person did not love the other more, Stephan argues true love is a two way spiritual connection, and anything one sided is merely infatuation or unhealthy attachment. How to build emotional safety from the inside out. If an unhealed woman dates a man who does everything right for two or three months, she will panic that he is too good to be true and run to a lower quality man because predictability feels safer. Why initial sparks can blind you to a dead end. Taite contrasts younger generations riding chemistry until the wheels fall off with his own story from twenty years ago, when he kissed a woman, drove two hours to Solvang for pancakes, and saw the relationship end after three weeks when he ran out of planned ideas. How endless scrolling and artificial intelligence are splitting the dating pool. Flagging it as an unverified theory, Stephan predicts that as artificial intelligence, or computer systems performing human tasks, takes jobs, the bottom eighty percent of men will gravitate toward artificial intelligence robots while the top twenty percent indulge in having multiple women. How to tell a rough patch from a toxic trap. A difficult relationship faces external challenges like finances or a difficult mother in law, while a toxic relationship happens when a partner allows that mother to disrespect you, dismisses your feelings, or refuses to change. Why auditing your own energy matters as much as your partner's accountability. Stephan shares a story of a client who dated a man long distance for six or seven months, moved to Phoenix, and blamed him for changing, when her own hatred of Phoenix shifted her energy first. Why capping your trust at ninety nine percent leaves room for human reality. Stephan never trusts any human one hundred percent, leaving one percent for human imperfection, and notes that rebuilding trust after infidelity depends on context, such as a chronic cheater versus a disconnected wife married seven years letting a coworker kiss her on a drunken trip. Why splitting leadership fifty fifty exhausts women and ruins respect. Stephan strongly opposes fifty fifty co leadership because it collapses during major disagreements, and when men say, whatever you want, dear, the decision making burden exhausts the woman and destroys her respect. To build a lasting relationship, heal your past so you stop looking at partners through broken glasses. As Stephan puts it, money and beauty are door openers, but character is what keeps people in the room.

Episode Overview

Host Richard Taite (59, founder/affiliated with Carrara Treatment Wellness & Spa and 1Method Treatment Centers) interviews certified relationship coach and bestselling author Stephan Labossiere, known as "Stephan Speaks" (47, author of The Man God Has For You, who holds a degree in Management Information Systems and owned 15 real estate properties at 25 years old), on why people repeatedly choose the wrong partners and how to build lasting relationships.
The conversation explores how unhealed past trauma acts as "broken glasses," causing people to suppress their true selves and select partners out of a "protective mindset" rather than a "flourishing mindset."
They examine the mechanics of emotional safety, the blinding nature of chemistry, and how social media, digital stimulation, and artificial intelligence are reshaping the modern dating pool.
The speakers break down how to distinguish between a difficult relationship and a toxic one, the role of personal accountability, and whether trust can be rebuilt after infidelity.
The episode concludes with an analysis of modern masculinity and femininity, why "co-leadership" fails in relationships, and the necessity of defining relationship roles early on.

Key Concepts

Sponsor & Funding Disclosures: The episode includes a pre-roll disclosure for the One Call Placement substance use disorder helpline (888-831-1581), affiliated with Carrara Treatment Wellness & Spa and 1Method Treatment Centers. Richard Taite also discloses a partnership with the CDC Foundation's Community Overdose Prevention Efforts (COPE) campaign (cdcfoundation.org/cope), committing to match donations dollar-for-dollar up to $25,000 thanks to Richard Taite and Carrara Treatment.
Unhealed Trauma as "Broken Glasses": Stephan disagrees with the popular belief that life is a never-ending healing journey and that you are never fully healed; he argues you can fully heal, and believing otherwise causes people to give free passes to unhealed partners. When individuals remain unhealed, they consciously or subconsciously excuse dysfunction in others and cannot clearly recognize red flags.
Self-Acceptance vs. Self-Suppression: Hedging that he doesn't know if it is the single biggest lesson, Stephan identifies a lack of self-acceptance as one of the biggest lessons in relationships. Due to societal, family, or friend pressure, people suppress their true wiring and choose partners who do not fit them; eventually, the true self emerges and dislikes the chosen partner.
Protective vs. Flourishing Mindset: Unhealed past disappointments cause people to select partners out of a "protective mindset" (such as choosing someone less attractive or someone they only mildly like to avoid the pain of heartbreak) rather than a "flourishing mindset."
The Mechanics of True Mutual Love: While Taite notes he has never been in a relationship where one person didn't love the other more, Stephan argues that true love is a two-way spiritual connection. If one person is not deeply in love, the other is merely experiencing infatuation or an unhealthy attachment. However, in mutual deep love, both partners feel like they love the other more because a person can only feel the intensity of their own internal emotions.
Internal vs. External Emotional Safety: Women require safety to unlock their best selves, but safety must begin internally through healing. If an unhealed woman dates a man who does everything right for 2–3 months, she will panic that he is "too good to be true" and run to a lower-quality man ("the asshole you know") because predictability feels safer. Because no human can provide 100% safety without mistakes, women must distinguish between an imperfect man and an unworthy man. Men foster external safety through softness, intellectual curiosity, consistency, listening space, and corrective action—preventing women from overanalyzing and inviting negative outside input.
The Blindness of Chemistry: Chemistry is not a warning sign, as some people have chemistry with nearly everyone, but it can blind daters to long-term incompatibility. Taite notes that younger generations often ride chemistry until "the wheels fall off," date multiple people simultaneously, or have both boyfriends and girlfriends at once (Contrasted with Taite's own anecdote from 20 years ago of kissing a woman, driving 2 hours to Solvang for pancakes, and the relationship ending after 3 weeks when he ran out of planned ideas).
Digital Stimulation, Social Media, and the AI Divide: Digital distractions have reduced the drive to date in person: people spend 2–3 hours scrolling without realizing it, women gain validation via Instagram stories from home, boys aged 12, 13, and 14 grow up surrounded by porn and Instagram, and men experience low testosterone. Furthermore, social media algorithms push divisive rhetoric while exposing women to the top 20% of men, making it hard for women to go back to average men (like eating filet mignon and refusing to return to Spam). Flagging it as an unverified theory, Stephan predicts that as AI takes jobs, human free time will cause a rise in relationships for some, while the bottom 80% (non-20%) of men will gravitate toward AI robots and the top 20% of men will indulge in having multiple women.
Difficult vs. Toxic Relationships: A difficult relationship is challenged by external factors (a difficult mother-in-law, co-parenting with exes, long-distance, finances) or solvable communication misunderstandings. A toxic relationship occurs when a partner refuses to manage external interference (e.g., a man allowing his mother to disrespect his partner) or exhibits internal dysfunction like dismissing feelings, refusing to change after needs are stated, or verbal/physical abuse. People stay in toxic dynamics due to unhealthy attachments and fear (of being alone, starting over, lost time, or societal pressure).
Accountability and Emotional Energy: Long-term relationships fail without accountability—as Taite illustrates with a past partner who was right 95% of the time but refused accountability the 5% of the time he was right. However, partners must also look for the root "why" behind behaviors (just as treating alcoholism requires understanding why the person drinks) and audit their own energy (illustrated by Stephan's client who dated a man long-distance for 6 or 7 months, moved to Phoenix, and blamed him for changing, when in reality her hatred of Phoenix shifted her own energy first). Framing it as anecdotal and subjective, Taite observes that men can "go back to the well" repeatedly, but once a woman loses respect, it is over. Stephan agrees, noting men typically view only 1 or 2 women in their lives as "the one" and invest less emotionally overall, whereas women invest heavily across many situations until they become completely depleted.
The 99% Trust Principle and Infidelity: Stephan states he never trusts any human 100%, capping his trust at 99% and leaving 1% for human imperfection and moments of weakness. Trust can be rebuilt enough to succeed after cheating, depending on context (e.g., a chronic cheater in a fulfilling relationship vs. a couple married 7 years facing a deep disconnect where a wife lets a coworker kiss her on a drunken business trip). In Taite's hypothetical—where a wife married for 10 years has a drunken threesome with two men during her husband's 48-hour business trip, regrets it immediately, never cheats again, and loves him exponentially more for the next 20 years—Stephan agrees with every man Taite has asked that he would not want to know, whereas Taite notes women always say "yes," they would want to know.
The Failure of Co-Leadership: Stephan strongly opposes 50/50 "co-leadership," arguing it collapses when a major disagreement arises and neither partner will submit. When men default to "whatever you want, dear" to keep the peace, the decision-making burden exhausts the woman and destroys her respect for him. Stephan also references an unspecified study showing that as more women entered the corporate workspace, mental health issues skyrocketed among women who are naturally wired for family and home life.

Quotes

At 0:00:00 - "Because so many people are not healed themselves, consciously or subconsciously they give a pass to other individuals for their lack of healing, all right? As well as because they haven't healed, they can't as efficiently recognize those issues in others or see it for what it is. As I always say, when you're not healed, you're looking at life through broken glasses. All right, so you cannot see as straight as you could had you gone through the healing process." - Stephan explaining why unhealed individuals repeatedly overlook red flags in partners.
At 0:06:50 - "People don't really know themselves. And what I think is a more accurate thing to say is people haven't really accepted themselves." - Stephan identifying the foundational internal barrier to choosing a compatible partner.
At 0:07:34 - "I always say you can't suppress your true self forever. It's going to come out at some point. And when that true self comes out, it's not—a lot of times it doesn't like the person you chose to be with, all right? And now that's when everything starts to fall apart." - Stephan illustrating the long-term consequence of choosing a partner based on societal or family pressure rather than authentic self-acceptance.
At 0:09:21 - "People keep choosing the wrong partner because people don't heal from their past hurts and disappointments. And so people are choosing out of a protective mindset, not out of a flourishing mindset, right?" - Stephan explaining why traumatized daters settle for partners they aren't truly in love with to avoid getting hurt.
At 0:13:01 - "If you're not truly, deeply in love with them, trust me, they're not deeply in love with you. They may be infatuated, they may have an unhealthy attachment, there's something else driving them, but I'm a firm believer that true love is a two-way experience. You can't have one feeling it and the other's not." - Stephan clarifying the difference between mutual spiritual love and one-sided attachment.
At 0:15:16 - "If that woman has been hurt before and she has not healed, there's nothing a man can do that will completely make her feel safe, all right?" - Stephan emphasizing that emotional safety in a relationship must begin with internal healing.
At 0:17:01 - "There's a quote I always use: Learn the difference between a man who isn't perfect and a man who isn't worth it." - Stephan offering a framework for women to evaluate human mistakes versus toxic character.
At 0:22:45 - "I don't think chemistry is a warning signal, but I do think chemistry can blind you to the reality of whether or not this can really work." - Stephan warning against relying solely on initial attraction when assessing long-term compatibility.
At 0:34:51 - "There are people who believe you're never fully healed, that life is just this never-ending healing journey. I disagree with that. I do believe you can fully heal from things." - Stephan challenging popular therapy-culture rhetoric that excuses ongoing dysfunction.
At 0:53:25 - "I always say, listen, there are things that open the door and there are things that keep people in the room. Things like money, beauty, those are door openers, all right?" - Stephan explaining why superficial traits attract partners initially, while character is required to sustain a relationship.
At 0:56:52 - "Once that has been fully communicated, clearly, so there's no guessing, there's no 'I didn't know,' and you're still not making any changes to make it better, we're done." - Stephan defining the exact threshold for when to stop trying to fix a relationship and walk away.
At 1:13:03 - "I'm a huge proponent of men living by themselves at least for a year before getting into serious relationships. One of the worst things that happen is men going from the mother's house to the girlfriend's house, okay, or the wife's house." - Stephan detailing how men must develop independent leadership skills so they do not become a burden to their partners.

Takeaways

Define Relationship Roles Early: Treat early dating like reviewing a job description—explicitly discuss whether you expect a traditional head-of-household dynamic or an egalitarian 50/50 split before committing, as undefined roles ruin long-term functionality.
Create Emotional Safety Through Action and Space: To help a partner with past trauma feel safe, manage your delivery and energy, display genuine intellectual curiosity, give your partner uninterrupted space to express themselves and ask questions, and follow up with consistent corrective action.
Audit Your Own Energy Before Blaming Your Partner: If a partner's behavior suddenly seems to shift, evaluate whether your own attitude, environment, or uncommunicated unhappiness changed first and triggered a defensive reaction in them.
Adjust Parameters When Dating Later in Life: For singles dating in their 60s (where Taite maintains a minimum age rule of 35—old enough to run for U.S. President—and notes examples like David Foster in his 60s with Katharine McPhee in her late 30s, 30 years younger), Stephan advises opening age parameters to people in their 40s and 50s (or 20 years younger, 1 year younger, or 3 years older if values align), getting out of the house, and asking friends of the opposite sex for honest feedback on the energy you project.
Communicate with 100% Clarity Before Walking Away: Do not abandon a relationship over unstated expectations; state your needs with complete clarity so there is zero guessing, and if your partner still makes no effort to change, walk away.
Project Approachable Signals and Unapologetic Masculinity: Men should not let negative past dates dictate their masculinity (such as staring at a dinner check for 5 minutes out of fear of offending a woman), and women who want respectful, godly men to approach them in public or church must drop defensive body language ("looking like pitbulls" or "mean mugging") and offer approachable signals like a smile.
Live Alone for at Least One Year (For Men): Before entering a serious relationship or marriage, men must live completely on their own for at least 1 year to cultivate self-sufficiency and decision-making leadership rather than transitioning directly from their mother's care to a partner's care.