A child psychologist’s guide to working with difficult adults | Dr. Becky Kennedy

Episode Overview

• This episode explores the "Good Inside" framework, originally designed for parenting, and applies its psychological principles to leadership, workplace dynamics, and adult relationships.
• It challenges the traditional view of behavior management—punishment and compliance—advocating instead for a skill-building approach that separates a person's identity from their actions.
• The discussion reframes authority as "Sturdy Leadership," teaching how to set firm boundaries without losing empathy, and explains why prioritizing resilience over happiness is crucial for long-term success.
• Key themes include the necessity of "repair" after mistakes, the danger of relying on instinct versus learned skills, and how to maintain authority during emotional turbulence.

Key Concepts

• The "Good Inside" Framework (Identity vs. Behavior) The core philosophy posits that all people are inherently good, even when behaving badly. This strategy separates identity ("who you are") from behavior ("what you did"). When leaders or parents attack identity (e.g., "You are lazy"), defensiveness blocks learning. Affirming someone is "good inside" lowers defenses, allowing for objective problem-solving.

• Skill Deficits vs. Bad Behavior Bad behavior is rarely malicious; it is almost always a sign that feelings have overpowered skills. Just as a child cannot swim without lessons, an employee or child cannot regulate emotions or manage time without those specific skills. This shifts the response from "punishment" to "coaching," focused on closing the skill gap.

• Connection Before Correction Influence requires a relational bridge. In high-pressure environments, leaders often bypass connection to be "efficient," jumping straight to tasks. This backfires because people resist influence when they don't feel seen. Investing time in "slow" connection (validating reality) speeds up "fast" cooperation later.

• The Most Generous Interpretation (MGI) MGI is a cognitive tool where you deliberately ask, "What is the most generous interpretation of this person's behavior?" rather than assuming the worst. This shifts the mindset from judgment (which shuts down solutions) to curiosity (which uncovers root causes like lack of clarity or emotional overwhelm).

• Sturdy Leadership & The Pilot Metaphor Effective authority is like a pilot during turbulence. A "Sturdy Leader" validates the passenger's fear ("I know it's bumpy") but does not let that fear dictate the flight path. They remain in control. If a leader panics or seeks permission from those they lead, anxiety skyrockets.

• The True Definition of a Boundary A boundary is often confused with a request. A request asks someone else to change their behavior ("Please stop screaming"). A boundary is what you will do ("I am stopping the car until it is safe"). True boundaries rely only on the leader's action and require the other person to do nothing.

• Resilience Over Happiness The goal of leadership and parenting is not to maximize happiness or remove obstacles, but to build resilience. Resilience is the ability to tolerate a wide range of difficult emotions without collapsing. "fixing" every problem creates fragility; allowing people to struggle through discomfort builds capability.

• The "Hole" Metaphor for Support Effective support requires "one foot in, one foot out." You keep one foot in the hole (empathy/validation) and one foot out (perspective/leadership). If you have both feet out, you are dismissive. If you jump in with both feet, you are overwhelmed. You must stay grounded outside to help pull them up.

• Repair > Perfection Trust is not built by being perfect; it is built by repairing ruptures. "Perfect is creepy" and unattainable. Returning to a relationship after a mistake to take responsibility creates safety and models accountability.

Quotes

• At 0:08:26 - "All humans need the same things. Whether we're one or five or 45 or 85... When the needs are not being met, we all tend to express ourselves in... ineffective, less than ideal ways." - Context: Establishing that workplace behavior and toddler behavior stem from the same core human needs.
• At 0:09:26 - "Perfect is creepy... Only non-humans can ever be perfect. And what defines the human condition is that we want to do well and we mess up over and over again." - Context: Releasing leaders and parents from the impossible standard of perfection.
• At 0:09:47 - "The thing that really differentiated secure attachment... is the presence of repair... Secure attachment isn't defined by getting it right all the time. Secure attachment has an adult who's willing to repair." - Context: Explaining that fixing mistakes is more powerful for relationship building than avoiding them.
• At 0:16:19 - "Efficiency and relationship building are often in opposition... Being present with someone without an agenda is increasingly hard to do, but that is what connection is about." - Context: Highlighting why skipping "soft" skills to save time usually backfires.
• At 0:18:49 - "The quickest way to have an unproductive conversation is to lose sight of the fact that someone's good inside." - Context: Explaining that attacking identity triggers defensiveness that halts all productivity.
• At 0:29:13 - "Bad behavior at any age can basically be reduced to feelings that overpower skills... Behavior is a problem, but behavior isn't the core problem... The actual problem is someone doesn't have the skill they need to manage something happening internally." - Context: The fundamental shift from judging character to coaching skill gaps.
• At 0:30:10 - "Nobody learns new skills by being sent to their room. Nobody learns new skills by adding shame. All that does is increase the gap between feelings and skills." - Context: Why traditional punishment fails to create long-term behavioral change.
• At 0:39:20 - "A sturdy leader is able to see my emotional experience as real for me, and not be overwhelmed by it themselves." - Context: Defining the "Pilot" mindset needed to manage high-stress situations.
• At 0:46:27 - "Boundaries are what you tell someone else you will do, and it requires the other person to do nothing." - Context: A crucial tactical definition distinguishing effective boundaries from ineffective requests.
• At 0:50:59 - "We're asking our kid to do our job for us because we just don't want to deal with the emotional fallout... that's what I call 'job confusion' and it makes everyone frustrated." - Context: On the error of expecting those with less power/skill to manage the emotional climate.
• At 0:58:05 - "Optimizing for happiness in childhood is the quickest way to build anxiety and fragility in adulthood. Hard stop." - Context: The danger of "fixing" problems rather than letting people build coping muscles.
• At 0:59:36 - "Our kids can only learn to tolerate the feelings we can tolerate in them." - Context: The concept of emotional contagion; leaders must remain calm to teach calmness.
• At 1:09:51 - "I think one of the ways we've maximally misunderstood anxiety... is we've [been] doing the 'I believe you' part, but we've forgotten the 'I believe in you' part." - Context: Why validation alone isn't enough; it must be paired with confidence in their capability.
• At 1:19:40 - "There is no better feeling in the world than watching yourself work on something and make progress on something... that you originally didn't think you could do. And I will not take that feeling away from you." - Context: Reframing "rescuing" someone as stealing their opportunity for growth.
• At 1:26:38 - "I really feel like parenting is the last area in life that we glorify instinct... Instinct is simply how we were parented." - Context: Arguing that leadership and parenting are learned skill sets, not innate talents.

Takeaways

• Separate Identity from Behavior: When correcting someone, ensure they know you value them as a person ("Good Inside") so they can hear your feedback on their actions without becoming defensive.
• Implement "Connection Before Correction": Spend 30 seconds validating a person's reality or connecting human-to-human before delivering instructions or feedback; this "slow" start prevents "fast" resistance.
• Practice the Most Generous Interpretation (MGI): When triggered by bad behavior, force yourself to ask "What is the most generous explanation for this?" to move from judgment to problem-solving.
• Coach the Skill Gap: Stop punishing bad outcomes. Identify the missing skill (e.g., emotional regulation, time management) and teach it just as you would teach a technical skill.
• Set True Boundaries: Stop making requests ("Please stop doing that"). State what you will do to ensure safety or productivity ("I am ending this meeting until we can speak calmly").
• Be the "Sturdy Pilot": In a crisis, do not ask for consensus or permission. Validate the team's anxiety ("I know this is scary") but state your plan with conviction ("Here is how we are going to land this plane").
• Use the "I Believe You / I Believe In You" Formula: When someone is anxious, validate the difficulty ("I believe this is hard") AND affirm their capability ("I know you can figure it out"). Don't just do the first part.
• Prioritize Repair: Do not try to be perfect. When you lose your temper or make a bad call, go back, apologize, and take ownership. This builds more trust than never making a mistake.
• Don't Rescue from Struggle: Allow children and employees to experience frustration and failure. Stepping in to "fix" it robs them of the resilience and self-efficacy gained by overcoming hard things.